I'm attaching a short piece I use with my writing students -- just something
to make them smile, but with actual content. There are tons of resources on
the Inet for writing teachers; my class homepage has links to a few
(http://www.unm.edu/~wendellr/221/RESOURCE.HTM), but you'll find stuff you
can use if you spend an hour or so doing your own searches. I'd also
recommend a little booklet I've seen around in the humor sections of big
bookstores, which is a collection of terrible/funny legal writing; nope, I
can't remember the name of it!
 
W.
 
 
FORTY TIPS FOR WRITERS
1.      A writer must not shift your point of view.
2.      Always avoid alliteration.
3.      Always pick on the correct idiom.
4.      Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
5.      And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
6.      Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
7.      Be more or less specific.
8.      Brevity is the soul of lingerie. (Dorothy Parker)
9.      capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
10.     Contractions aren’t necessary.
11.     Daydreams, lies, and trouble. That’s the stuff of fiction. (Robin Hemley)
12.     Do not put statements in the negative form.
13.     Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly
superfluous.
14.     Don’t never use a double negation.
15.     Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!
16.     "I’d like to thank my parents, Einstein and God." (Actual book
dedication; use serial commas.)
17.     If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of
repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
18.     It’s hard for pandas to breed, because the male eats shoots and leaves.
(Corollary: "Herman awoke with a jerk"--lead sentence in student story;
check for unintended double entendres.)
19.     It’s potato, not potatoe. (Bart Simpson, writing 500 times on the board)
20.     "Is" is the verb for when you’re pretending not to use a verb.
21.     Last but not least, avoid clichés like the plague. They’re old hat; seek
viable alternatives.
22.     Life isn’t fair. Why should I be? (Margaret Atwood)
23.     Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
24.     One should never generalize.
25.     One-word sentences? Eliminate.
26.     Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
27.     Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
prosecuted. (Mark Twain)
28.     Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, such
as those of ten or more words, to their antecedents.
29.     Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
30.     Remember to never split an infinitive.
31.     Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.
(Corollary: This is something up with which we will not put.)
32.     Say it in my own words? Seuerie ateos, oenoewr.
33.     Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
34.     The parts of speech are lungs and air.
35.     The passive voice is to be avoided.
36.     The penis mightier than the sword. (Don’t forget to proofread.)
37.     With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable
fog! (Calvin)
38.     Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
39.     You can observe a lot by just watching. (Yogi Berra)
40.     You don’t have to read everything everyone ever recommends to you. Just
everything I recommend to you. (Megan Coughlin)
 
 
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"This is not the way I am, but they don't want me
the way I am. So I put my handkerchief on and I am
the best mammy that they've ever seen, and when I
come home I take that handkerchief off." -- Hattie McDaniel
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