John, you have actually made my point.
like I was trying to be condescending. So, of course, I don't say
that. Instead I just use plain-speak and ask them to change up
their sentence starts.
classroom. They do not create twisted syntax. Instead they fix
the core problem.
I have expertise in this area. I have adjusted my lofty ideas to
reflect what works with my struggling student writers. You can
with what I have experienced.
I would not encourage this student to vary sentence openers as
there is no problem with the sentence openers. The writer clearly
has a focused topic in mind that will carry forward as given
information throughout the paragraph (if that is not an
appropriate topic for that length of time, then that is the
problem, not the structure).
I would work with this writer to subordinate, coordinate, and
complementize/relativize clauses and perhaps to consider more
carefully the semantic weight/information packaging of verb choice.
Focusing on sentence opener variation here would seem (to me)
quite a distraction from the real problems that indicate the
maturity of the writing. The writer would not improve the core
problems and would likely produce confusing sentences
(unnecessarily complex structures) out of a belief that that is
what teachers want.
John Alexander
Austin, Texas
On Tue, May 26, 2009 at 5:19 PM, Susan van Druten
Craig, you are ignoring my concern when you continue to bring up
Frost, Obama, and Silko. We agree that purposeful repetition is
the mark of a mature style. You should now drop that out of your
argument. In fact you should have dropped that on after May 18th
when I acknowledged and refuted your point. I said, "When I cover
parallel structure in AP and honors classes, we talk about the
difference between purposeful repetition (emphasis, humor, known-
new, hooks, etc.) and repetition born by uninspired, lazy writing."
I am teaching students who do not have a mature style. I went to
school today to find you an example. Do you or do you not agree
that the writer below could use some advice on changing up her
sentence starts?
Landon says Jamie is "lighter than the leaves of a tree that had
fallen in autumn." He is comparing Jamie’s weight to leaves
falling. He has really started to notice it that she has become
so sick that she has lost a lot of weight. He had to support her
because she could barely hold herself up. He is not only
realizing just her change in weight. He sees how much her
leukemia has taken over her whole body and in such a short period
of time. He realizes that she doesn’t have that much longer.
On May 26, 2009, at 7:47 AM, Craig Hancock wrote:
Susan,
I believe our teaching practices should be based on a solid
understanding of how language works. If we tell students that
varying
sentence openings (using something other than the subject as
opening)is
a goal of good writing, then we should find a high number of those
variations in excellent writing. The truth is that we don't.
As an explanation for your motivation, you mentioned that
students
sometimes keep the same subject for as much as five sentences in a
row. Again, I tried to point out that good writers do this quite
often. I mentioned Frost's "Acquainted with the Night", which starts
every sentence with "I have", copied in the opening to Leslie
Silko's
much anthologized "Yellow Woman" to show that the great majority of
the sentences started with "I", many of them consecutively, and
copied
a passage from Obama's heralded speech on race to show how he
effectively repeats the same subject or same subject opening for
long
stretches of text. I don't mean to imply that you are dealing with
mature writers, but starting sentences with the subject and
repeating
sentence openers can be thought of as the mark of a mature style.
There are good reasons for this. If you look at information
flow in a
text (given/new), given is almost always first and new is almost
always
last. The most important function of a sentence opener (usually the
subject for good writers) is not variation, but continuity. The
opening
establishes connection with what went before. One obvious way to
accomplish that is to repeat openings. Good writers exploit
repetition
for these purposes. Inexperienced writers tend to move on much too
quickly.
The one place we agree, I think, is that a number of different
structures can act as the subject of a sentence and students should
have those available as resources. I believe they should be used for
continuity, though, not for variation.
I think we have gotten confused from time to time about what
kind of
variation we are talking about. A variation of subject is one. A
variation of the kinds of structures that can act as subject is
another. A variation of the kinds of structures that open
sentences is
another.
Christensen's essay seems to me good argument for expecting
that most
sentences will start with the subject and that when we have
variation
form that (about 25% of the time), those will usually be simple
adverbials.
As a more direct answer to your question, I believe it is
harmful to
imply to students that good writers try to vary their sentence
openings. I spend more time with my students trying to get them
to see
how good writers use repetition, including a repetition of
subjects, to
build coherence into texts.
I'm glad you can understand this as a discussion about good
teaching
practices, not a personal criticism.
Craig
Craig, I'm still not clear on where you stand. Do you still
believe
it is bad practice for a teacher to show students various ways to
start sentences? Is it harmful to have them try changing up
sentences on a worksheet? (I don't know how you got the idea
that I
was requiring them to vary every start in their own essays.)
I enjoy the spirit of the conversation. Just because I thought you
were dismissing my argument and called you on it doesn't mean I am
not enjoying myself.
Susan
On May 24, 2009, at 9:56 AM, Craig Hancock wrote:
Susan,
I believe that mentoring young people on their path toward a
mature
literacy is a very difficult process. As teachers, we should
all be
constantly examining and refining our practices. We are far,
far from
perfect in what we do. That is at least equally true of our
profession
as a whole. We need to ask ourselves, over and over again, if
what we
are doing is best for the students we are serving. Once you
posted to
the list that you ask students to vary their sentence openings
to keep
from being boring, that advice became subject to the kind of
conversation we do routinely on this list. It has nothing at
all to do
with whether any of us believe you are a nazi or a bad teacher. We
simply need to be able to consider these approaches with an
open mind.
I hope you can understand that the spirit of conversation was
never
intended to be personal.
That being said, I would ask you to question seriously
whether the
"style guide" you are using is at all thoughtful or accurate.
It says,
first of all, that students use non-subject openers about 50%
of the
time. I wonder if that is based on any kind of scholarly study.
The
studies refered to on list recently seem to show that a
professional
writer opens with the subject much MORE than that, at an
average of
about 75%. The lowest total in Christensen's study was 60%, the
highest
about 90% for acclaimed professional writers. If that is the case,
then
students already vary sentence openings more than mature
writers. I
would add that the writers in the study were successful, not
boring.
I would recommend a book like Martha Kolln's "Rhetorical
Grammar" as a
more linguistically sound source of advice.
But above all, don't be shy about joining our talk. I
apologize if
anything I said made you feel as if you were under attack as a
teacher.
As a profession, we are still a long way from having fully
grounded,
effective, widely accepted practices. We need to be respectful
of each
other as we work that out, and I apologize again for any failures
on my
part to do that.
Craig
Jean, I give them a handout that can be found in many style
guides.
I'm pasting it in. Sorry if some of you thought I was a writing
Nazi, who demanded students never dare repeat the same
starting word
in an entire essay. Yikes, I should have experienced lots more
outrage, tar, and feathers!
Sentence Beginnings
Vary the beginnings of your sentences.
Most writers begin about half their sentences with the subject—
far
more than the number of sentences begun in any other way. But
overuse of the subject-first beginnings results in monotonous
writing. Below are several ways to vary the beginnings of your
sentences.
WORDS
Two adjectives: Angry and proud, Alice resolved to
fight back.
An adverb: Suddenly a hissing and
clattering came
from the heights around us.
A connecting word: For students who have just
survived the
brutal college-entrance marathon, this competitive atmosphere
is all
too familiar. But others, accustomed to being stars in high
school,
find themselves feeling lost in a crowd of overachievers.
An interrupting adverb: A healthy body, however, is just as
important as a healthy mind.
A series of words: Light, water, temperature,
minerals—
these affect the health of plants.
PHRASES
A connecting phrase: If the Soviet care and feeding of
athletes at times looks enviable, it is far from perfect. For
one
thing, it can be ruthless.
A prepositional phrase: Out of necessity they stitched all of
their secret fears and lingering childhood nightmares into this
existence.
An infinitive: To be really successful, you will
have to be trilingual: fluent in English, Spanish, and computer.
A gerund: Maintaining a daily exercise
program
is essential.
A participle: Looking out of the window high
over
the state of Kansas, we see a pattern of a single farmhouse
surrounded by fields, followed by another single homestead
surrounded
by fields.
An appositive: A place of refuge, the Mission
provides
food and shelter for Springfield's homeless.
An absolute: His fur bristling, the cat went
on the
attack.
CLAUSES
An adverbial clause: When you first start writing—and
I think
it's true for a lot of beginning writers—you’re scared to
death that
if you don't get that sentence right that minute it's never
going to
show up again.
An adjective clause: The freshman, who was not a
joiner of
organizations, found herself unanimously elected president of
a group
of animal lovers.
A noun clause: Why earthquakes occur is a
questions to
ask a geologist.
On May 22, 2009, at 11:05 AM, Jean Waldman wrote:
Susan,
This is the first time you mentioned that you teach the students
HOW to vary their sentences. I was under the impression that
you
just demand that they do it and grade them on whether they do
it.
What method do you use to teach the different possible
variations?
Jean Waldman
----- Original Message ----- From: "Susan van Druten"
Sent: Thursday, May 21, 2009 7:21 PM
Subject: Re: Sentences beginning with conjunctions
Craig, I just don't understand your logic. You were asked to
evaluate two passages that contained the same content. The
first
had
boring sentence starts and the second had variation. You
admitted
the second had "more flexibility" but then concluded that it
doesn't
make it better and went on to speak for Ed that he couldn't
possibly
believe the varying sentence starts made it better.
That struck me as arrogantly dismissive.
Do you have any proof that teaching students how to vary their
sentence starts compromises their ability to write with
coherence?
It seems like such a stretch Varying a sentence start doesn't
force
students to vary the subject. If varying sentence starts
doesn't
lead to incoherence, would you change your stance? Or do you
have
other concerns as well.
Susan
On May 20, 2009, at 9:55 PM, Craig Hancock wrote:
Susan,
I'm sorry if I come across as arrogantly dismissive. I don't
mean to
be. I do believe that teaching students to vary sentence
openings is
not a good idea, and I have given that a great deal of study
and
thought. I believe that the conventional advice to vary
sentence
openings is not based on close observation of how language
works in
effective texts. I'm not sure why you would say those points
are
irrelevant. Asking students to vary sentence openings may
have the
effect of pushing them further away from coherence--at best, a
distraction from more relevant choices.
Here's a opening passage--chosen in part because I already
have it in
an electronic file to copy from--from Leslie Silko's "Yellow
woman".
It's a short story, so the sentence openings are more
typical of
narrative than of a more expository text, but the sentence
openings are
quite unremarkable, almost entirely pronouns. I hope we can
base
the
discussion on observations of effective writing, not on
personal
preferences.
Yellow Woman (Leslie Silko)
My thigh clung to his with dampness, and I watched the sun
rising up
through the tamaracks and willows. The small brown water birds
came to
the river and hopped across the mud, leaving brown scratches
in the
alkali-white crust. They bathed in the river silently. I
could hear
the water, almost at our feet where the narrow fast channel
bubbled
and washed green ragged moss and fern leaves. I looked at him
beside
me, rolled in the red blanket on the white river sand. I
cleaned
the
sand out of the cracks between my toes, squinting because the
sun was
above the willow trees. I looked at him for the last time,
sleeping on
the white river sand.
I felt hungry and followed the river south the way we had
come the
night before, following our footprints that were already
blurred by
lizard tracks and bug trails. The horses were still lying
down, and
the black one whinnied when he saw me but he did not get up—
maybe it
was because the corral was made out of thick cedar branches
and the
horse had not yet felt the sun like I had. I tried to look
beyond the
pale red mesas to the pueblo. I knew it was there, even if I
could
not see it, on the sandrock hill above the river, the same
river
that
moved past me now and had reflected the moon last night.
The horse felt warm underneath me. He shook his head and
pawed
the
sand. The bay whinnied and leaned against the gate trying to
follow,
and I remembered him asleep inside the red blanket beside the
river. I
slid off the horse and tied him close to the other horse, I
waked
north with the river again, and the white sand broke loose in
footprints over footprints.
“Wake up.”
He moved in the blanket and turned his face to me with his
eyes still
closed. I knelt down to touch him.
“I’m leaving.”
He smiled now, eyes still closed. “You are coming with me,
remember?”
He sat up now with his bare dark chest and belly in the sun.
“Where?”
“To my place.”
“And will I come back?”
He pulled his pants on. I walked away from him, feeling
him
behind me
and smelling the willows.
“Yellow woman,” he said.
I turned to face him. “Who are you?” I asked.
He laughed and knelt on the low, sandy bank, washing his
face
in the
river. “Last night you guessed my name, and you knew why I had
come.”
I stared past him at the shallow moving water and tried to
remember
the night, but I could only see the moon in the water and
remember
his warmth around me.
Craig
Craig
I sounded snarky in my last email. I'm sorry for that. But
you
really are arrogantly dismissive of something I teach my
students as
a mini-lesson but do not require them to do in their
essays. I
have
seen better writing from them, and it is annoying to have such
strong
evidence be dismissed without much thought. I do think you
have not
thought this through.
Susan
On May 20, 2009, at 7:57 PM, Susan van Druten wrote:
On May 20, 2009, at 1:09 PM, Craig Hancock wrote:
You can certainly make the judgment that Ed's version
shows more
flexibility on the part of the writer, but it doesn't
make it a
better essay,
Craig, it's clearly better. You offer no evidence for why
it is
worse or even equal. Own up, dude: It is clearly better,
but,
yes, it still sucks. Your tower is showing.
The rest of your argument is irrelevant. You are
preaching to
the
choir. We do know what makes a good essay. We know that
varying
sentence starts is not a panacea.
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