My sense of the original version is that he remembered the books, but he had
never seen the watch before. According to John's explanation of context,
this was a yard sale. The pocket watch was a new discovery, and that's why
it deserves such full description.
Also, "was" is not an auxiliary verb, nor is it a linking verb. It is the
main verb, with its adverbial placed in the opening position—Martha Kolln's
sentence pattern 1, as shown here:
http://www.uncp.edu/home/canada/work/caneng/sentence.htm
Cheers.
Don Stewart
www.writeforcollege.com
www.writing123.com
On Tue, Sep 27, 2011 at 6:45 AM, M C JMy ohnstone <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Original sentence
>
> *"Tim remembered those books growing up and also at the bottom of the box
> was a pocket watch complete with chain and front panel that flipped open to
> show its face."*
>
> Possible edit / explanation:
>
> "Tim remembered those books from growing up, and also {remembered} a the
> pocket watch, at the bottom of the box, was complete with chain and front
> panel that {could be} flipped open to show its face."
>
> As reported, this was very difficult to understand.
>
> Minor edits:
>
> - Dick's addition of the preposition;
> - the prepsotional phrase moved to follow the noun it modifies,
> - the unnecessary auxiliary verb eliminated.
>
> I think this type of editing should be easy for any student who had been
> trained to identify finite verbs and their subjects, to see {elision}, and
> to explain prepositional phrases and participles as modifiers.
>
> Ed Vavra's KISS approach is more than enough for this and can easily be
> taught to sixth graders.
>
>
> On Monday, September 26, 2011 5:41 PM, "Don Stewart" <
> [log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> I agree with Dick's first suggestion, the addition of "from his childhood,"
> especially if Tim is an adult. If he is under 21, something like "from when
> he was a kid" would be better.
>
> As for the rest of it, I think all you need to do is add a comma before the
> "and." It is not a passive sentence, but simply a delayed subject after the
> "was," which is in turn preceded by the adverbial prepositional phrase combo
> "at the bottom of the box."
> The worst thing to do would be to turn it back into two sentences, which
> would result in the good old "choppy" anathema.
>
> Frankly, with these touch-ups, I think it's a fine sentence, with intrigue,
> pace, anticipation, detail, and style.
>
> Don Stewart
> www.writeforcollege.com
> www.writing123.com
>
>
>
>
> On Mon, Sep 26, 2011 at 4:49 PM, Dick Veit <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> You can make a couple of suggestions to the student for revision.
>
> The "growing up" doesn't work with "remembered." He remembered them not while
> he was growing up but from when he was growing up. It probably needs
> recasting as something like "Tim remembered those books from his childhood."
> Or "Those books brought back childhood memories."
>
> You are right that "and also" doesn't capture the relationship between the
> two clauses. If the watch was also something he remembered, he could make
> both the books and the watch objects: "Tim remembered those books from his
> childhood and also a pocket watch at the bottom of the box complete with
> chain and front panel that flipped open to show its face." That's still a
> little clunky. It might be best to divide it into two sentences: "Tim
> remembered those books from his childhood. He also found a pocket watch at
> the bottom of the box complete with chain and front panel that flipped open
> to show its face."
>
> Dick
>
>
>
>
>
> On Mon, Sep 26, 2011 at 4:03 PM, John Chorazy <
> [log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> Good afternoon... I'd be grateful for your collective input on a student
> sentence:
>
> "Tim remembered those books growing up and also at the bottom of the box
> was a pocket watch complete with chain and front panel that flipped open to
> show its face."
>
> A little context - Tim finds at a yard sale a box containing several items
> of interest, including a series of children's books he recalls reading
> (those books).
>
> I'm concerned about "and" trying to connect two dissimilar thoughts into a
> compound sentence, but I also see a mixed voice here. Tim does the action in
> the first clause and then the pocket watch "was at the bottom..." in the
> second clause (passive?). I've seen this construction more than a few times
> and want to address it effectively.
>
> Thank you...
>
>
>
> --
> John Chorazy
> English III Honors and Academic
> Pequannock Township High School
> 973.616.6000
>
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