The problem with the model sentence, for me, rests in the word "also" – it is not an effective transition to an independent clause that has little to no connection to the previous information, even in the fuller context of any previous sentences. I think my ears and eyes prepare for a compound predicate when I fall upon also - Tim remembered and also (did another verb) ... but then the focus and voice shift because of the syntactical difference in structure. While that might not always be a bad thing in capable hands, here it is not successful and I don't see the sentence as either fixable with a comma or filled with intrigue and style. Remembering a book or books from childhood is packed with meaning that gets too quickly washed when stuck with the disconnected idea that follows. And wouldn't the phrase as written also suggest that something else too was at the bottom of the box, like those books?
 
Thanks for the comments.
 
 

 
On Tue, Sep 27, 2011 at 12:25 PM, Hancock, Craig G <[log in to unmask]> wrote:

How about “In the box were books he remembered from growing up and, at the bottom, a watch with chain and front panel that flipped open to show its face.”

    “In the box” can be thematic opening for both parts of the sentence.

   There are lots of possibilities, though some will be more congruent with context and intention.

   “In the box, below the books he remembered from growing up, was a watch…” In this version, the books are an unimportant impediment to the real prize.

 

Craig

 

 Original sentence

 

"Tim remembered those books growing up and also at the bottom of the box was a pocket watch complete with chain and front panel that flipped open to show its face."

 

 

 
 

Frankly, with these touch-ups, I think it's a fine sentence, with intrigue, pace, anticipation, detail, and style.

Don Stewart
www.writeforcollege.com
www.writing123.com

 



On Mon, Sep 26, 2011 at 4:49 PM, Dick Veit <[log in to unmask]> wrote:

You can make a couple of suggestions to the student for revision.

The "growing up" doesn't work with "remembered." He remembered them not while he was growing up but from when he was growing up. It probably needs recasting as something like "Tim remembered those books from his childhood." Or "Those books brought back childhood memories."

You are right that "and also" doesn't capture the relationship between the two clauses. If the watch was also something he remembered, he could make both the books and the watch objects: "Tim remembered those books from his childhood and also a pocket watch at the bottom of the box complete with chain and front panel that flipped open to show its face." That's still a little clunky.  It might be best to divide it into two sentences: "Tim remembered those books from his childhood. He also found a pocket watch at the bottom of the box complete with chain and front panel that flipped open to show its face."

Dick

 




On Mon, Sep 26, 2011 at 4:03 PM, John Chorazy <[log in to unmask]> wrote:

Good afternoon...  I'd be grateful for your collective input on a student sentence:

 

"Tim remembered those books growing up and also at the bottom of the box was a pocket watch complete with chain and front panel that flipped open to show its face."

 

A little context - Tim finds at a yard sale a box containing several items of interest, including a series of children's books he recalls reading (those books).

 

I'm concerned about "and" trying to connect two dissimilar thoughts into a compound sentence, but I also see a mixed voice here. Tim does the action in the first clause and then the pocket watch "was at the bottom..." in the second clause (passive?). I've seen this construction more than a few times and want to address it effectively.

 

Thank you...

 

 


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John Chorazy

English III Honors and Academic

Pequannock Township High School

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John Chorazy
English III Honors and Academic
Pequannock Township High School
973.616.6000

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