Hello,

I don't think this sentence is burdened so much with grammatical or syntactical problems (though it doesn't really make much of a rhythmic case for itself, either). It has rhetorical problems , maybe, starting with the need to determine which idea should be last. It seems to me the intention is to emphasize that Blank University will be the university of choice in south-central Pennsylvania.

But more fundamentally, it feels conceptually awkward. First, does a university itself -- the institution, that is -- get credit for having a passion for anything? "Blank University, where our faculty have a passion for knowledge..." -- maybe. But I'd reconsider the argument altogether: "Blank University will be the university of choice in south-central Pennsylvania, committed to excellence, with a passion for creating knowledge and educating students to be leaders for a better tomorrow." You've got the typical claims to excellence, and focusing on leaders for tomorrow, etc.; but how pedagogically sound is a claim to "creating knowledge"? That phrase by itself seems imprecise, at the very least. For one thing, it ignores current, prevailing learning theories -- that is, it doesn't sound very learner-centered. I'd start over completely, fussing with grammar and syntax when the argument is more precise and informed. Actually, if the idea can be gotten right, the style problems might be sorted out -- my sense, as a writer, is that if it feels right, it is right (in style matters, maybe-- not ethical ones!).

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