Forwarded:
 
WORLD NEWS:
 
                CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA
 
        Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
 
        Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President
Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn
region of
Bosnia.  The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will
provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is
hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.
        "For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and
Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the
world," Clinton
said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It
is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their
incomprehensible words.  The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble
endeavour."
        The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State
Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities
of Sjlbvdnzv and
Grzny slated to be the first recipients.  Two C-130 transport planes, each
carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force
Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.
        Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the
vowels.
"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said.
"I have six children and none of them has a name that is under- standable to
me or to anyone else.  Mr. Clinton, please send my poor,  wretched family
just one 'E.' Please."
        Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key
letters, I could be George Humphries.  This is my dream."
        If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the United States
will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping
thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia.  Other nations are
expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500
Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but
declined.
        "With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia
will  be able to make some terrific new words," Clinton said.  "It
should be  very
exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."
        Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels.  For decades
they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult
pronunciation of  most
Slavic words.  "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor
University linguist Noam Frankel said.  "Without them, it would be difficult
to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just
don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in  those Eastern
European countries."
        According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be
able
to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready"; "I believe
it will rain"; and "All my children are dead from the war" [And "Oh my God,
there's an axe in my head." ?]
        The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a
foreign country since 1984.  During the summer of that year, the US
shipped 92,000
consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao
with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief
effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted
and horded by violent, gun-toting warlords.