How about “In the box were books he remembered from growing up and, at the bottom, a watch with chain and front panel that flipped open to show its face.”
“In the box” can be thematic opening for both parts of the sentence.
There are lots of possibilities, though some will be more congruent with context and intention.
“In the box, below the books he remembered from growing up, was a watch…” In this version, the books are an unimportant impediment to the real prize.
Craig
From: Assembly for the Teaching of English Grammar [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf Of M C Johnstone
Sent: Tuesday, September 27, 2011 10:36 AM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: Sentence construction
Yes, I see Don.
Your solution, a comma before "and," is best. That seems to be all it needs.
Thanks
On Tuesday, September 27, 2011 9:48 AM, "Don Stewart" <[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>> wrote:
My sense of the original version is that he remembered the books, but he had never seen the watch before. According to John's explanation of context, this was a yard sale. The pocket watch was a new discovery, and that's why it deserves such full description.
Also, "was" is not an auxiliary verb, nor is it a linking verb. It is the main verb, with its adverbial placed in the opening position—Martha Kolln's sentence pattern 1, as shown here:
http://www.uncp.edu/home/canada/work/caneng/sentence.htm
Cheers.
Don Stewart
www.writeforcollege.com<http://www.writeforcollege.com>
www.writing123.com<http://www.writing123.com>
On Tue, Sep 27, 2011 at 6:45 AM, M C JMy ohnstone <[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>> wrote:
Original sentence
"Tim remembered those books growing up and also at the bottom of the box was a pocket watch complete with chain and front panel that flipped open to show its face."
Possible edit / explanation:
"Tim remembered those books from growing up, and also {remembered} a the pocket watch, at the bottom of the box, was complete with chain and front panel that {could be} flipped open to show its face."
As reported, this was very difficult to understand.
Minor edits:
* Dick's addition of the preposition;
* the prepsotional phrase moved to follow the noun it modifies,
* the unnecessary auxiliary verb eliminated.
I think this type of editing should be easy for any student who had been trained to identify finite verbs and their subjects, to see {elision}, and to explain prepositional phrases and participles as modifiers.
Ed Vavra's KISS approach is more than enough for this and can easily be taught to sixth graders.
On Monday, September 26, 2011 5:41 PM, "Don Stewart" <[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>> wrote:
I agree with Dick's first suggestion, the addition of "from his childhood," especially if Tim is an adult. If he is under 21, something like "from when he was a kid" would be better.
As for the rest of it, I think all you need to do is add a comma before the "and." It is not a passive sentence, but simply a delayed subject after the "was," which is in turn preceded by the adverbial prepositional phrase combo "at the bottom of the box."
The worst thing to do would be to turn it back into two sentences, which would result in the good old "choppy" anathema.
Frankly, with these touch-ups, I think it's a fine sentence, with intrigue, pace, anticipation, detail, and style.
Don Stewart
www.writeforcollege.com<http://www.writeforcollege.com>
www.writing123.com<http://www.writing123.com>
On Mon, Sep 26, 2011 at 4:49 PM, Dick Veit <[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>> wrote:
You can make a couple of suggestions to the student for revision.
The "growing up" doesn't work with "remembered." He remembered them not while he was growing up but from when he was growing up. It probably needs recasting as something like "Tim remembered those books from his childhood." Or "Those books brought back childhood memories."
You are right that "and also" doesn't capture the relationship between the two clauses. If the watch was also something he remembered, he could make both the books and the watch objects: "Tim remembered those books from his childhood and also a pocket watch at the bottom of the box complete with chain and front panel that flipped open to show its face." That's still a little clunky. It might be best to divide it into two sentences: "Tim remembered those books from his childhood. He also found a pocket watch at the bottom of the box complete with chain and front panel that flipped open to show its face."
Dick
On Mon, Sep 26, 2011 at 4:03 PM, John Chorazy <[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>> wrote:
Good afternoon... I'd be grateful for your collective input on a student sentence:
"Tim remembered those books growing up and also at the bottom of the box was a pocket watch complete with chain and front panel that flipped open to show its face."
A little context - Tim finds at a yard sale a box containing several items of interest, including a series of children's books he recalls reading (those books).
I'm concerned about "and" trying to connect two dissimilar thoughts into a compound sentence, but I also see a mixed voice here. Tim does the action in the first clause and then the pocket watch "was at the bottom..." in the second clause (passive?). I've seen this construction more than a few times and want to address it effectively.
Thank you...
--
John Chorazy
English III Honors and Academic
Pequannock Township High School
973.616.6000<tel:973.616.6000>
To join or leave this LISTSERV list, please visit the list's web interface at: http://listserv.muohio.edu/archives/ateg.html and select "Join or leave the list"
Visit ATEG's web site at http://ateg.org/
To join or leave this LISTSERV list, please visit the list's web interface at: http://listserv.muohio.edu/archives/ateg.html and select "Join or leave the list"
Visit ATEG's web site at http://ateg.org/
--
[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>
To join or leave this LISTSERV list, please visit the list's web interface at: http://listserv.muohio.edu/archives/ateg.html and select "Join or leave the list"
Visit ATEG's web site at http://ateg.org/
To join or leave this LISTSERV list, please visit the list's web interface at: http://listserv.muohio.edu/archives/ateg.html and select "Join or leave the list"
Visit ATEG's web site at http://ateg.org/
--
[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>
To join or leave this LISTSERV list, please visit the list's web interface at: http://listserv.muohio.edu/archives/ateg.html and select "Join or leave the list"
Visit ATEG's web site at http://ateg.org/
|
