I agree with Dick's first suggestion, the addition of "from his childhood,"
especially if Tim is an adult. If he is under 21, something like "from when
he was a kid" would be better.

As for the rest of it, I think all you need to do is add a comma before the
"and." It is not a passive sentence, but simply a delayed subject after the
"was," which is in turn preceded by the adverbial prepositional phrase combo
"at the bottom of the box."
The worst thing to do would be to turn it back into two sentences, which
would result in the good old "choppy" anathema.

Frankly, with these touch-ups, I think it's a fine sentence, with intrigue,
pace, anticipation, detail, and style.

Don Stewart
www.writeforcollege.com
www.writing123.com




On Mon, Sep 26, 2011 at 4:49 PM, Dick Veit <[log in to unmask]> wrote:

> You can make a couple of suggestions to the student for revision.
>
> The "growing up" doesn't work with "remembered." He remembered them not *while
> *he was growing up but *from when* he was growing up. It probably needs
> recasting as something like "Tim remembered those books from his childhood."
> Or "Those books brought back childhood memories."
>
> You are right that "and also" doesn't capture the relationship between the
> two clauses. If the watch was also something he remembered, he could make
> both the books and the watch objects: "Tim remembered those books from his
> childhood and also a pocket watch at the bottom of the box complete with
> chain and front panel that flipped open to show its face." That's still a
> little clunky.  It might be best to divide it into two sentences: "Tim
> remembered those books from his childhood. He also found a pocket watch at
> the bottom of the box complete with chain and front panel that flipped open
> to show its face."
>
> Dick
>
>
>
>
> On Mon, Sep 26, 2011 at 4:03 PM, John Chorazy <[log in to unmask]
> > wrote:
>
>> Good afternoon...  I'd be grateful for your collective input on a student
>> sentence:
>>
>> "Tim remembered those books growing up and also at the bottom of the box
>> was a pocket watch complete with chain and front panel that flipped open to
>> show its face."
>>
>> A little context - Tim finds at a yard sale a box containing several items
>> of interest, including a series of children's books he recalls reading
>> (those books).
>>
>> I'm concerned about "and" trying to connect two dissimilar thoughts into a
>> compound sentence, but I also see a mixed voice here. Tim does the action in
>> the first clause and then the pocket watch "was at the bottom..." in the
>> second clause (passive?). I've seen this construction more than a few times
>> and want to address it effectively.
>>
>> Thank you...
>>
>>
>>
>> --
>> John Chorazy
>> English III Honors and Academic
>> Pequannock Township High School
>> 973.616.6000
>>
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