Original sentence
"Tim remembered those books growing up and also at the bottom of
the box was a pocket watch complete with chain and front panel
that flipped open to show its face."
Possible edit / explanation:
"Tim remembered those books from growing up, and also
{remembered} [DEL: a :DEL] the pocket watch, at the bottom of the
box, [DEL: was :DEL] complete with chain and front panel that
{could be} flipped open to show its face."
As reported, this was very difficult to understand.
Minor edits:
* Dick's addition of the preposition;
* the prepsotional phrase moved to follow the noun it modifies,
* the unnecessary auxiliary verb eliminated.
I think this type of editing should be easy for any student who
had been trained to identify finite verbs and their subjects, to
see {elision}, and to explain prepositional phrases and
participles as modifiers.
Ed Vavra's KISS approach is more than enough for this and can
easily be taught to sixth graders.
On Monday, September 26, 2011 5:41 PM, "Don Stewart"
<[log in to unmask]> wrote:
I agree with Dick's first suggestion, the addition of "from
his childhood," especially if Tim is an adult. If he is under
21, something like "from when he was a kid" would be better.
As for the rest of it, I think all you need to do is add a
comma before the "and." It is not a passive sentence, but
simply a delayed subject after the "was," which is in turn
preceded by the adverbial prepositional phrase combo "at the
bottom of the box."
The worst thing to do would be to turn it back into two
sentences, which would result in the good old "choppy"
anathema.
Frankly, with these touch-ups, I think it's a fine sentence,
with intrigue, pace, anticipation, detail, and style.
Don Stewart
[1]www.writeforcollege.com
[2]www.writing123.com
On Mon, Sep 26, 2011 at 4:49 PM, Dick Veit
<[3][log in to unmask]> wrote:
You can make a couple of suggestions to the student for
revision.
The "growing up" doesn't work with "remembered." He remembered
them not while he was growing up but from when he was growing
up. It probably needs recasting as something like "Tim
remembered those books from his childhood." Or "Those books
brought back childhood memories."
You are right that "and also" doesn't capture the relationship
between the two clauses. If the watch was also something he
remembered, he could make both the books and the watch
objects: "Tim remembered those books from his childhood and
also a pocket watch at the bottom of the box complete with
chain and front panel that flipped open to show its face."
That's still a little clunky. It might be best to divide it
into two sentences: "Tim remembered those books from his
childhood. He also found a pocket watch at the bottom of the
box complete with chain and front panel that flipped open to
show its face."
Dick
On Mon, Sep 26, 2011 at 4:03 PM, John Chorazy
<[4][log in to unmask]> wrote:
Good afternoon... I'd be grateful for your collective input on a
student sentence:
"Tim remembered those books growing up and also at the bottom of
the box was a pocket watch complete with chain and front panel
that flipped open to show its face."
A little context - Tim finds at a yard sale a box containing
several items of interest, including a series of children's books
he recalls reading (those books).
I'm concerned about "and" trying to connect two dissimilar
thoughts into a compound sentence, but I also see a mixed voice
here. Tim does the action in the first clause and then the pocket
watch "was at the bottom..." in the second clause (passive?).
I've seen this construction more than a few times and want to
address it effectively.
Thank you...
--
John Chorazy
English III Honors and Academic
Pequannock Township High School
[5]973.616.6000
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References
1. http://www.writeforcollege.com/
2. http://www.writing123.com/
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4. mailto:[log in to unmask]
5. tel:973.616.6000
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7. http://ateg.org/
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